so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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