you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
