She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
