my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
