my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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