I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
