My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Randomize
