the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
