I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Randomize
