I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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