he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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