I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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