I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I touched a dick in church today
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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