Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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