How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
