Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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