my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
