Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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