Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
