Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
