Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
