He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
