I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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