I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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