My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
