WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
