Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
