I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
