We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
