My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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