I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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