I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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