When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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