I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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