I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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