my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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