I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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