My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
