He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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