chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
