Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
