It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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