cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
