i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
