I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
