So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
