It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
