I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
