somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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