you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she peed on how many people?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
