Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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