also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
