I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
