i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
