Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
