i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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