Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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