I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
