the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
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He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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