I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just high enough for therapy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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