we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
